| Fighting Can Be GOOD For Your Relationship! |
|
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationships and author of the world-renowned book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, says "fighting – when it airs grievances or complaints – can be one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their relationship." Why? Because when you and your partner are fighting, it means you aren't bottling up your concerns. It proves that you are invested in your relationship. When you're fighting, you're taking steps to resolve a genuine problem that could cause more conflict down the road. But of course, there are certain guidelines that you should adhere to in any argument, if you want it to be productive. The free-for-all, WWF-style arguments are just as bad for your relationship as not fighting at all. So what's a couple to do? Well, here are the top 5 things to keep in mind during a fight, so you and your partner can use this time to actually strengthen your relationship, rather than destroy it. 1. Choose your battles. Fighting for the sake of fighting isn't going to do your relationship any good (you knew that). So how can you decide which issues are important to bring up with your partner? Is your partner doing something to trigger this issue? Does he have the power to change it? Is it something you need his help resolving? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then it's probably a good idea to get him involved. 2. Don't criticize your partner. If you decide that this is a battle worth fighting, be respectful and fair when you tell your partner about it. As our friend Dr. Gottman has remarked, "there is a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism." A complaint addresses some external problem in an attempt to resolve it. A criticism is a global remark that attacks your partner's character or personality. Focus on the issue at hand, and try to avoid using language that your partner could take personally. 3. Stick to the original topic. It's easy to get pulled off course in the middle of an argument. Sometimes we start a discussion with our partner about one subject, and all of a sudden we find ourselves yelling, "Oh yeah?! Well, I hate your meatloaf!" Once you start listing every issue you've ever had, your partner is just going to feel overwhelmed and defensive, and that's not going to help your cause. Stick to one topic per argument. 4. Take a break if you need to. As a modern woman myself, I'm often guilty of forgetting this particular piece of advice. When I get really mad, the last thing I want to do is walk away and let my honey "off the hook." But sticking around when the fight is getting over-heated causes the argument to become unproductive. If you feel yourself getting to the point of no return, tell your sweetie you need some time to cool off. Make sure you designate a time to return to the discussion. And then continue your discussion when you have agreed to (and when you're back to your lovely and rational self). 5. Learn to give and receive "repair attempts". Dr. Gottman describes a repair attempt as an "effort to de-escalate tension during a fight." An example of a repair attempt is acknowledging your partner's contribution to the household chores. Or smiling when he makes a joke to lighten the mood a little. As a couple, your ability to give and receive these repair attempts helps you keep your wits about you during an argument. This is by far the best thing you can do to maintain feelings of respect, cooperation and teamwork, not only during a fight, but throughout your relationship. Without these repair attempts, the chances that your discussion will spiral out of control are much greater. Work together to keep harmony in your relationship. . .especially when you're discussing serious issues. Love Test - What If You Love Your Friend? You are friends and you enjoy your friendship. You behave with each other as you do with your other friends. One day you find that you have begun having different feelings for your friend. You like him/her more than a friend and are developing romantic love. What should you do? You want to tell your friend about your feelings. But you are not very sure about them yourself. Have you really crossed the relationship of friendship and developed romantic love? You are thinking about that and the more you think the more you get confused. Emotions are like that. They can play havoc with us. After lot of deliberation, you have decided that the feelings of love are true and figments of your imagination. Should you tell your friend? What if he/she does not reciprocate? What will happen to the friendship? This is a difficult situation. You don't wish to sacrifice your friendship, but if your friend does not reciprocate that will happen. And there is no way of finding his/her feelings indirectly. You have to do it yourself. What should be done? Please ask. Please tell about your feelings and ask if your feelings are reciprocated. If yes, you are lucky. If not, let the friendship suffer. You cannot continue loving someone without finding out your friend's feelings. That will be much more painful. CDMohatta writes articles on Relationships, love, Divorce, Dating and other related issues of life. In the context of this article, please read more articles - Love - Who Are You Looking For, Destructive Relationships and Discomfort In Relationships Date Ideas - Top Romantic Ideas for Couples Don't waste another second stressing over what you need to do and where you need to go on a date. We've compiled a list of sure fire winners. 1) Prior to a date...stake out a nice secluded location near a park, beach, lake, rose garden, or "special place"...and leave a single stem rose along with a letter telling your sweetie how much they mean to you. After you're done with dinner, take your date to the special place where the rose and letter are. Let them stumble upon it. 2) Take your sweetie back to where the two of you first met or had your first kiss. Take along a video camera and interview them about that first day. 3) Take a trip to the beach or lake and have a picnic by the water. Afterwards, take a long walk along the shore. When the sun starts to set...throw down a blanket and watch it as you're sitting side by side. 4) Tell your sweetie that you've planned a surprise date. Instruct them to show up at your house dressed to impress at a certain time. Greet them at the door in your classiest outfit. Have food from their favorite restaurant (order takeout) on the dining room table. Have your living room set up as a dance floor with candles all around. Have your favorite love songs playing in the background. 5) Pretend you're an old married couple. Go to the grocery store together and buy ingredients for the full course meal the two of you are going to make. After dinner, you guys can snuggle up on the couch and watch rented movies. 6) A treasure hunt with you as the treasure. Tell your sweetie to meet you at a pre-arranged location (but don't tell them what they're about to do). When they get there...have a letter or note waiting for them that explains the treasure hunt. Give them directions that lead to the next clue. Do this about 4-5 times. Leave lollipops and chocolate kisses and gifts at each location. When they finally get to you, be waiting with a rose. After this...take them out to dinner or lunch at their favorite restaurant. 7) Make a photo album of yourselves. Get all decked out in your best clothes and go to your town's landmarks and have passersby take your picture. Get the film developed in double exposures at a one hour photolab. Take the pictures and make his and hers photo albums. 8) Drive-in movie. Though they're hard to find...track one down. 9) Pretend you're a savvy swinging couple. Get dressed up: her in a dress....him in a coat and tie. Have dinner at a posh or fancy restaurant. Afterwards, go for a romantic walk in a local rose garden. Todd Peterson is the editor of the popular teen community HighWorld.com To read other romance articles written by Todd, visit: http://www.highworld.com/romance/index.php |
|
||||
ukryj reklamÄ™